“You’ve no room to call her names or treat her the way you do–you’re as much of a liar and a cheat as the rest of the world. You don’t shit gold bars, and anyone who truly knows you–knows it… we’re all done listening to your broken promises, never being good enough, and being made to feel like no one will ever love us because we are not how you think we should be. You might be right, no one might ever love me the way I want them to–but I would rather be alone and happy, than be surrounded by things of monetary value and an old man who always treated people like they were not worth his time… look at yourself in the mirror. You will not like what you see. Stop pointing your fingers at everyone else, and actually look at yourself–take responsibility for all the bull shit and lies you have put her through. I’m sick of seeing her try to jump through these fiery hoops and perpetually get burned. You’ll either fix your issues, or you won’t. She deserves better and you know it.”
Day 11: A picture of something you hate.
Hi Readers,
I guess we are going to delve into one of my touchy subjects today. This particular subject is closer to me than I would like, and that being said, I’m not quite sure what I will write versus what I refuse to. I wrote the above passage to a man that probably did not enjoy reading it. He has an abusive personality and that is it. I did not like how he was treating the people I care about, so I finally said something.
If I am going to be honest, I might as well tell you that domestic violence is one of the big things in my life; an unfortunate, consistent cycle, that needs to be ended… will be ended. Abusive relationships involving my family have… more or less made me not want to be in a relationship. I shouldn’t say that I don’t want to be in one… I’m terrified of being in a romantic relationship because I can’t trust people enough to not hurt me. I know that getting out of an abusive relationship, is like going to rehab– you really have to want to rediscover the part of you that you lost in the battle…
I guess my final message is this… to women and men: If the person you love has physically, emotionally, and psychologically hurt you… I want you to know that you are worth more than you will ever know. Despite what they say and do, I hope that one day, whether it be today, tomorrow, or next year, you are able to stand up and find yourself again. I hope that you are able to find the strength to realize you can make it on your own, and you don’t have to live in fear–believing that you are worthless and wondering what you did wrong. It might be how it is–that does not mean it is right and should be that way. Domestic violence is wrong and there is a way out.
I am pretty damn sure that the only woman I’ve ever heard speak openly about defending yourself against a man’s wrath is Madea. We all know Madea–and no matter what is and is not, I wish she were my Grandma. Maybe then I’d have figured out sooner how a woman is supposed to be treated. Not going to lie–women are great at being able to imagine wonderful lives for the friends, but we are damned if we try to wish or take action to grasp onto something better. Despite race, ethnicity, orientation, economic status, political beliefs, or religious background, we all deserve to be treated with respect and love. What has brought on this thought process one might ask? I was in my boss’ class printing documents for her when one of her students made an… “interesting” statement. He wants to argue in his paper that it is okay to hit women–wives, girlfriends, etc. I was floored. A man had just openly argued it is okay to hit women! Is he out of his damn mind? I want to read this paper and see where he is coming from… maybe he is playing devil’s advocate–that is what the optimist in me wants to believe…but the way he said it… it was just too honest to be playing that kind of game. My first inclination would be to play grit ball with him. In case you don’t know what grit ball is, Madea tells Vanessa and Lisa to “Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that’s called grit ball.” However, do unto others as you would have others do unto you–Matthew 7:12.
I don’t understand why people think it is okay to hit others, women in particular. Sean Connery just confused me even more. 😦 Or, we have the recent issue of a contract being signed so this guy can abuse his pregnant girlfriend whenever he feels like it. If your spouse is hitting you, there is a white elephant standing in your living-room and believe me, this elephant wants to tear your spouse’s shit up! I’m not one to mince my words when it comes to things like this. Generally, its people who, themselves, have been abused–falling into the belief that they are abused because they deserved to be punished. That women have to sacrifice to be comfortable. What the hell is up with that? I come from a family of domestic violence survivors–so, you might call me biased… but I guess that is just the way the world turns.
I am a fighter and I’ll be damned if my man ever thinks it acceptable to hit a woman because if you are man enough, you won’t pull that card from a low-handed deck. I should just state for the record that that I am by no means saying all men are the same. I wholeheartedly acknowledge that women are just as capable as men to abuse their partners… but I’ve yet to meet a guy who is not just my friend… that has the ability to treat a woman appropriately–they just seem to be few and far between. The relationships that do work give me hope for my future. I don’t think anyone deserves to be hurt–it’s so hard to say that because you want so much for Karma to come around and bite them in the ass for what they’ve done to you… but you have to forgive them. By not forgiving them, you let them hold you down and make it so your future relationships don’t have a chance in hell to have an ounce of potential. Maybe I should not be writing this, because if I have any readers, I don’t want to lose them just because this is seemingly one-sided. It is this way because it is what I know. I know that I am still trying to find out who I am because of the domestic violence I’ve experienced–one of the first steps is forgiving my abusers. Whether physical, emotional, or mental–it all hurts and more often than not, it is the emotional and mental wounds that remain–and the physical scars are few because the abusers are smart that way–got to hide the evidence. In Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea tells Helen and Myrtle a story: Madea: I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn’t even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral. Helen: Why were you so mad at him? Madea: Because he hit me. Yes he hit me… and I didn’t even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he’s 8 feet under. Myrtle: 6 feet, that’s how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under. Madea: That’s what I’m trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.
Madea then states that if you can see the person that hit you and you feel nothing towards them, it is then that you know you’ve forgiven them for hurting you. But if you want to “beat them down 2 more feet,” you’re more than likely not over it.
I hope that both women and men can one day get out of the unhealthy relationships they are in. We only hurt ourselves when we stay in bad places and teach future generations that it is okay to be badly treated. We leave our friends behind because we may feel we have no choice. We feel like we deserve to be punished somewhere along the line. We must stand up and realize that despite what we are told, we deserve more and better. We can and we will. You can not stop us. You might be able to slow us down–but you can’t stop us. However, we thank you and forgive you because without you, we would never appreciate what we will have.
Miss Nolaleigh 
